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Merlin, as serious as it gets.
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m15m.
Merlin is cracktastic fun, which is why I started summarising the funnier bits to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eyesofshinigami. Then she had to go and I continued. Presenting: episode eleven, the Labyrinth of Gedref! In which it is revealed MERLIN is a virgin and ARTHUR resents the fact!
[for the uninformed, Arthur is the crown prince of Camelot. He enjoys showing off and flirting with his father's ward, Morgana, whose maid, Gwenwyhfar, has something of a crush on him. Or her. We aren't rightly sure. Merlin is Arthur's manservant, who is conveniently a sorcerer, but has to hide the fact because Arthur's father, Uther, blames magic for everything wrong in his life. What do you mean that's not how the Arthurian myth goes? Get with the program, people.]
MERLIN: *walks into a dark hole to stare down the proof he isn't getting any* Ooh, pretty!
ARTHUR: *steps on twigs proving he is stealthy like a ninja* *shoots the unicorn* Merlin's ass is mine. STFU, horsy.
MERLIN: What have you done!
ARTHUR: Don't be such a girl we can't get married, anyway.
SARUMAN in his pre-treekiller phase: *looooms*
ARTHUR: Father, I killed a unicorn. Here's the phallic symbol to prove it!
UTHER: Phallic symbol, woot!
ARTHUR: I also might have brought doom upon us all.
UTHER: Phallic symbol, woot!
ARTHUR: Wash my socks Merlin, see to it that my horse is manicured and then come back, to polish my sss- Merlin! [ya, rly!] Are you paying attention? I am making lewd suggestions here.
MERLIN: Huh?
ARTHUR: Seriously, you wanted to have a giant white I'M STILL A VIRGIN, ASK ME HOW sign following you around?
MERLIN: *mutters* I wanna some commitment before I put out, okay?
ARTHUR: Sucks to be you.
MERLIN: ... screw you.
ARTHUR: I wish. *leer* Also? There is a rat in my room. See that it stays out of my make up.
MERLIN: *sigh*
CROPS: *die*
FOOD: *is rationed*
MERLIN: Well, crap.
GAIUS: It is magic. You know that and I know that. But the king hears "magic" and goes WOAHAHAHAOWA KEEL YOU!!!
MERLIN: So, basically, Arthur doomed us all.
GAIUS: Pretty much.
UTHER: This can only be magic. We are being attacked by a union of evil magicians, who are out for our blood! WOAHAHAHAHAOWA I KEEL YOU ALL!!!!!
GAIUS: Or, you know, your son slaughtered an innocent creature who meant no harm and was just standing there, reminding everyone Merlin has yet to take it up the ass ...?
MERLIN: Hey!
UTHER: DEAAAAATH!!!
MERLIN: *practices forbidden magic*
SAND: *does not turn back into water*
MERLIN: I suck.
SAND: And you're virgin, too.
ARTHUR: There shall now be curfew, because obviously the person responsible for killing all the crops in the country and all our water is living in Camelot and prancing about at night. Oh, hi Merlin. Out for a stroll?
MERLIN: Um. Yes?
ARTHUR: Why are you here and not in my bedroom? I explicitly told you to stay there. And gave you excuses, should anyone ask.
MERLIN: Ah, the rat... OH LOOK, SARUMAN!
THE CHASE: *is commenced*
ARTHUR: *hand signals*
MERLIN: *is too busy staring at his ass to get he is to go the other way*
SARUMAN: I'm here on behalf of PETA. You suck, also your mother, and I will fuck your shit up. Good day.
ARTHUR: Whut?
SARUMAN: Basically, we have power now. Perform tests for our amusement, or DRINK SAND, fools!
GAIUS: Here, have some soapy tea.
MERLIN: I don’t remember dropping the soap into the kettle.
GAIUS: Do you remember taking a bath?
MERLIN: …
GAIUS: Also, Arthur is being a blockhead.
MERLIN: What else is new?
GAIUS: More soapy tea?
MERLIN: Leaving now!
MERLIN: So, Saruman screwed us over good, no?
ARTHUR: It was a random happenstance. Forces of the natural universe conspiring against me, nothing whatsoever to do with me killing a magical creature for my pleasure and entertainment.
MERLIN: Yeah, right. And Saruman just happened to be visiting last night. And yesterday, in the forest.
ARTHUR: … You saw Saruman in the forest?
MERLIN: No, I didn’t. He wasn’t there, staring reproachfully as you carved the horn off the unicorn carcass, why do you ask?
ARTHUR: I had it under control. I almost arrested him.
MERLIN: And the part where he totally disappeared into thin air, reappeared, delivered more cryptic messages and disappeared again …?
ARTHUR: All under control. In fact, I know what he shall do now. To the Arthur mobile!
MERLIN: *snooze*
ARTHUR: Every time, man. Every time!
MERLIN: *sigh*
ARTHUR: Hey, someone is actually coming!
SOMEONE: *is coming*
ARTHUR: *again with the hand signals*
SOMEONE: *is a peasant*
ARTHUR: Merlin, why didn’t this peasant get the “kill all who enter” memo?
PEASANT: But sah! My widdle sob stories! I’ve gots to feeds them!
MERLIN: Well, Saruman sure is clever.
ARTHUR: Shut up. Just shut up. You, scram. And take the food, I don’t want stuff a peasant touched. The memo will be reiterated tomorrow.
PEASANT: *is cryptic and totally not SARUMAN in disguise*
WATER: *is back, bitches*
MERLIN: Ah, water with no soap.
ARTHUR: Ah, soap dropping. Good times.
MERLIN: Would you care for my verbalizing my insights?
ARTHUR: By all means, prove your mouth is good for something, not that I would know.
MERLIN: Cryptic peasant? Trials? Water returning? Clue train, twelve o’clock?
ARTHUR: Crazy random happenstance.
MERLIN: I rest my case.
ARTHUR: People who use magic lie, Merlin. They tell untruths. They are evil, and I know this because my father has been slaying everything that so much as sparkles before it opens its mouth.
THE CULLENS: *leave Camelot, post haste*
MERLIN: Sorry, what? I was appreciating the irony. Cool, sweet, irony.
MORGANA: I’m hot and cool, and I care! Gwenwyhfar, where is the food I ordered you to find?
GWEN: I carry it around, in the basket, because everyone knows no one can scent food and hungry people are rational and sensible about someone else having munchies.
MORGANA: Good, good. Go share with peasants. The pretty ones. And give them my autographs, too.
GWEN: Right this minute, my lady.
SO-CALLED FOOD: *is disgusting*
ARTHUR: I think I’m beginning to see your point. I will go tomorrow.
MERLIN: Finally!
ARTHUR: Food now.
MERLIN: Bon appetite.
ARTHUR: *chews* Hmm. Stringy. Merlin, why is my food not chewed properly?
MERLIN: Sorry. Bits of you boot got into the stew. Try not to think about it.
ARTHUR: Here, have some.
MERLIN: Uh, no? Not hungry. New diet, you see.
MORGANA: Did someone mention a diet?
FOREST: *is creepy*
PEASANT: I weave a good story. Ask me how! Better yet, ask your daddy.
ARTHUR: Stay away from my daddy issues!
SARUMAN: See, this is why you can’t get laid. You kill anyone who looks at you wrong.
MERLIN: *sigh* Again with the screwing up. How did you survive long enough for me to get here?
COCKROACHES: *taste nothing like chicken*
UTHER: Not enough food for the army and the peasants. Oh well. They are just peasants and I need my daily parades.
ARTHUR: But peasants? People? Citizens? Nation?
UTHER: One day you will understand what really matters, Arthur. On with the parade, I say!
MERLIN: *yelling the in forest* Saruman! C’mon, a little sympathy here.
SARUMAN: I am too old to help you with your virginity problem.
MERLIN: People. Starving people. In Camelot.
SARUMAN: Fine, send Arthur to the Labyrinth of Gedref and hope true love will see him through.
ARTHUR: I will succeed or die trying!
MERLIN: Dying will help, surely.
ARTHUR: At least I won’t be there to watch the fallout, so there. Do not follow me!
MERLIN: *follows him*
THE LABYRINTH OF GEDREF: *after eating Harry Potter has migrated from Hogwarts. The land of Albion was good to it; water was aplenty and for the labyrinth thrived*
ARTHUR: Well, this is a labyrinth, I am a prince, clearly the only thing to do is charge.
MERLIN: *still follows*
FIVE MINUTES LATER
ARTHUR & MERLIN: *are so lost and also separated*
SARUMAN: Hello, Merlin. I need a damsel in distress and you happen by. What a bizarre happenstance.
MERLIN: Oh bitch, please.
ARTHUR: Oh hey, beach. I forgot my trunks. You did too, Merlin.
SARUMAN: Welcome to the grand test!
ARTHUR: What, a drinking game?
SARUMAN: One of the goblets is poisoned and one is not. One person must drink from one goblet. Choose wisely.
MERLIN: Okay? Where’s the riddle? Door number two?
SARUMAN: Sorry, wrong show.
ARTHUR: We could take turns …?
MERLIN: Wait, or we could pour all the liquid into one goblet! Then we will have only one goblet to drink from, and everything will be fine. If by fine you understand one of us dying.
ARTHUR: Merlin, you actually have a head. Not that I ever look up there.
MERLIN: Thanks. I think.
ARTHUR: If we get written about, make sure it’s something cooler than “I poured everything into one goblet”, okay?
MERLIN: What?
ARTHUR: OH NO, PIRANHAS!
MERLIN: Wha-?
ARTHUR: *gobgobgob*
MERLIN: Generally when I’m being romanced I prefer my partner to live. Might just be me though. In conclusion, NOOOOOOO!
SARUMAN: Drama queen. It’s a sad test of courage and virginity that kills the virgin.
MERLIN: Wait, what?
ARTHUR: *snores*
THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO CAMELOT: *weeps in the corner because of being unnoticed*
UTHER: Son, how’s your manslaughter quota today?
ARTHUR: Uh, good?
UTHER: Excellent. Here, have some food. My parades are doing very well, you simply must see their new routine.
ARTHUR: I risked my life for prancing men in tights?
UTHER: What was that?
ARTHUR: Let us just get our pointy hats. They go great with prancing.
ARTHUR: *unwraps his big, long phallic unicorn horn*
MERLIN: Very symbolic, burying of a phallic symbol. *cough*virgin*cough*
ARTHUR: What was that?
MERLIN: Look, a unicorn! With a floppy fringe! It must be the very same unicorn!
ARTHUR: Really, how do you figure?
MERLIN: Aside from our budget not being stretchable enough for another white horse and super glue? Our shared virginity is really persistent, that’s how.
ARTHUR: *sigh* I should have let you drink first.
SARUMAN: *mystic voice from beyond the screen* So the unicorn lived again, because nothing will stay dead provided enough people care. And a whole country of starving people sure as hell care. In conclusion: live and let live! Peace out.
m15m.Merlin is cracktastic fun, which is why I started summarising the funnier bits to
eyesofshinigami. Then she had to go and I continued. Presenting: episode eleven, the Labyrinth of Gedref! In which it is revealed MERLIN is a virgin and ARTHUR resents the fact![for the uninformed, Arthur is the crown prince of Camelot. He enjoys showing off and flirting with his father's ward, Morgana, whose maid, Gwenwyhfar, has something of a crush on him. Or her. We aren't rightly sure. Merlin is Arthur's manservant, who is conveniently a sorcerer, but has to hide the fact because Arthur's father, Uther, blames magic for everything wrong in his life. What do you mean that's not how the Arthurian myth goes? Get with the program, people.]
MERLIN: *walks into a dark hole to stare down the proof he isn't getting any* Ooh, pretty!
ARTHUR: *steps on twigs proving he is stealthy like a ninja* *shoots the unicorn* Merlin's ass is mine. STFU, horsy.
MERLIN: What have you done!
ARTHUR: Don't be such a girl we can't get married, anyway.
SARUMAN in his pre-treekiller phase: *looooms*
ARTHUR: Father, I killed a unicorn. Here's the phallic symbol to prove it!
UTHER: Phallic symbol, woot!
ARTHUR: I also might have brought doom upon us all.
UTHER: Phallic symbol, woot!
ARTHUR: Wash my socks Merlin, see to it that my horse is manicured and then come back, to polish my sss- Merlin! [ya, rly!] Are you paying attention? I am making lewd suggestions here.
MERLIN: Huh?
ARTHUR: Seriously, you wanted to have a giant white I'M STILL A VIRGIN, ASK ME HOW sign following you around?
MERLIN: *mutters* I wanna some commitment before I put out, okay?
ARTHUR: Sucks to be you.
MERLIN: ... screw you.
ARTHUR: I wish. *leer* Also? There is a rat in my room. See that it stays out of my make up.
MERLIN: *sigh*
CROPS: *die*
FOOD: *is rationed*
MERLIN: Well, crap.
GAIUS: It is magic. You know that and I know that. But the king hears "magic" and goes WOAHAHAHAOWA KEEL YOU!!!
MERLIN: So, basically, Arthur doomed us all.
GAIUS: Pretty much.
UTHER: This can only be magic. We are being attacked by a union of evil magicians, who are out for our blood! WOAHAHAHAHAOWA I KEEL YOU ALL!!!!!
GAIUS: Or, you know, your son slaughtered an innocent creature who meant no harm and was just standing there, reminding everyone Merlin has yet to take it up the ass ...?
MERLIN: Hey!
UTHER: DEAAAAATH!!!
MERLIN: *practices forbidden magic*
SAND: *does not turn back into water*
MERLIN: I suck.
SAND: And you're virgin, too.
ARTHUR: There shall now be curfew, because obviously the person responsible for killing all the crops in the country and all our water is living in Camelot and prancing about at night. Oh, hi Merlin. Out for a stroll?
MERLIN: Um. Yes?
ARTHUR: Why are you here and not in my bedroom? I explicitly told you to stay there. And gave you excuses, should anyone ask.
MERLIN: Ah, the rat... OH LOOK, SARUMAN!
THE CHASE: *is commenced*
ARTHUR: *hand signals*
MERLIN: *is too busy staring at his ass to get he is to go the other way*
SARUMAN: I'm here on behalf of PETA. You suck, also your mother, and I will fuck your shit up. Good day.
ARTHUR: Whut?
SARUMAN: Basically, we have power now. Perform tests for our amusement, or DRINK SAND, fools!
GAIUS: Here, have some soapy tea.
MERLIN: I don’t remember dropping the soap into the kettle.
GAIUS: Do you remember taking a bath?
MERLIN: …
GAIUS: Also, Arthur is being a blockhead.
MERLIN: What else is new?
GAIUS: More soapy tea?
MERLIN: Leaving now!
MERLIN: So, Saruman screwed us over good, no?
ARTHUR: It was a random happenstance. Forces of the natural universe conspiring against me, nothing whatsoever to do with me killing a magical creature for my pleasure and entertainment.
MERLIN: Yeah, right. And Saruman just happened to be visiting last night. And yesterday, in the forest.
ARTHUR: … You saw Saruman in the forest?
MERLIN: No, I didn’t. He wasn’t there, staring reproachfully as you carved the horn off the unicorn carcass, why do you ask?
ARTHUR: I had it under control. I almost arrested him.
MERLIN: And the part where he totally disappeared into thin air, reappeared, delivered more cryptic messages and disappeared again …?
ARTHUR: All under control. In fact, I know what he shall do now. To the Arthur mobile!
MERLIN: *snooze*
ARTHUR: Every time, man. Every time!
MERLIN: *sigh*
ARTHUR: Hey, someone is actually coming!
SOMEONE: *is coming*
ARTHUR: *again with the hand signals*
SOMEONE: *is a peasant*
ARTHUR: Merlin, why didn’t this peasant get the “kill all who enter” memo?
PEASANT: But sah! My widdle sob stories! I’ve gots to feeds them!
MERLIN: Well, Saruman sure is clever.
ARTHUR: Shut up. Just shut up. You, scram. And take the food, I don’t want stuff a peasant touched. The memo will be reiterated tomorrow.
PEASANT: *is cryptic and totally not SARUMAN in disguise*
WATER: *is back, bitches*
MERLIN: Ah, water with no soap.
ARTHUR: Ah, soap dropping. Good times.
MERLIN: Would you care for my verbalizing my insights?
ARTHUR: By all means, prove your mouth is good for something, not that I would know.
MERLIN: Cryptic peasant? Trials? Water returning? Clue train, twelve o’clock?
ARTHUR: Crazy random happenstance.
MERLIN: I rest my case.
ARTHUR: People who use magic lie, Merlin. They tell untruths. They are evil, and I know this because my father has been slaying everything that so much as sparkles before it opens its mouth.
THE CULLENS: *leave Camelot, post haste*
MERLIN: Sorry, what? I was appreciating the irony. Cool, sweet, irony.
MORGANA: I’m hot and cool, and I care! Gwenwyhfar, where is the food I ordered you to find?
GWEN: I carry it around, in the basket, because everyone knows no one can scent food and hungry people are rational and sensible about someone else having munchies.
MORGANA: Good, good. Go share with peasants. The pretty ones. And give them my autographs, too.
GWEN: Right this minute, my lady.
SO-CALLED FOOD: *is disgusting*
ARTHUR: I think I’m beginning to see your point. I will go tomorrow.
MERLIN: Finally!
ARTHUR: Food now.
MERLIN: Bon appetite.
ARTHUR: *chews* Hmm. Stringy. Merlin, why is my food not chewed properly?
MERLIN: Sorry. Bits of you boot got into the stew. Try not to think about it.
ARTHUR: Here, have some.
MERLIN: Uh, no? Not hungry. New diet, you see.
MORGANA: Did someone mention a diet?
FOREST: *is creepy*
PEASANT: I weave a good story. Ask me how! Better yet, ask your daddy.
ARTHUR: Stay away from my daddy issues!
SARUMAN: See, this is why you can’t get laid. You kill anyone who looks at you wrong.
MERLIN: *sigh* Again with the screwing up. How did you survive long enough for me to get here?
COCKROACHES: *taste nothing like chicken*
UTHER: Not enough food for the army and the peasants. Oh well. They are just peasants and I need my daily parades.
ARTHUR: But peasants? People? Citizens? Nation?
UTHER: One day you will understand what really matters, Arthur. On with the parade, I say!
MERLIN: *yelling the in forest* Saruman! C’mon, a little sympathy here.
SARUMAN: I am too old to help you with your virginity problem.
MERLIN: People. Starving people. In Camelot.
SARUMAN: Fine, send Arthur to the Labyrinth of Gedref and hope true love will see him through.
ARTHUR: I will succeed or die trying!
MERLIN: Dying will help, surely.
ARTHUR: At least I won’t be there to watch the fallout, so there. Do not follow me!
MERLIN: *follows him*
THE LABYRINTH OF GEDREF: *after eating Harry Potter has migrated from Hogwarts. The land of Albion was good to it; water was aplenty and for the labyrinth thrived*
ARTHUR: Well, this is a labyrinth, I am a prince, clearly the only thing to do is charge.
MERLIN: *still follows*
FIVE MINUTES LATER
ARTHUR & MERLIN: *are so lost and also separated*
SARUMAN: Hello, Merlin. I need a damsel in distress and you happen by. What a bizarre happenstance.
MERLIN: Oh bitch, please.
ARTHUR: Oh hey, beach. I forgot my trunks. You did too, Merlin.
SARUMAN: Welcome to the grand test!
ARTHUR: What, a drinking game?
SARUMAN: One of the goblets is poisoned and one is not. One person must drink from one goblet. Choose wisely.
MERLIN: Okay? Where’s the riddle? Door number two?
SARUMAN: Sorry, wrong show.
ARTHUR: We could take turns …?
MERLIN: Wait, or we could pour all the liquid into one goblet! Then we will have only one goblet to drink from, and everything will be fine. If by fine you understand one of us dying.
ARTHUR: Merlin, you actually have a head. Not that I ever look up there.
MERLIN: Thanks. I think.
ARTHUR: If we get written about, make sure it’s something cooler than “I poured everything into one goblet”, okay?
MERLIN: What?
ARTHUR: OH NO, PIRANHAS!
MERLIN: Wha-?
ARTHUR: *gobgobgob*
MERLIN: Generally when I’m being romanced I prefer my partner to live. Might just be me though. In conclusion, NOOOOOOO!
SARUMAN: Drama queen. It’s a sad test of courage and virginity that kills the virgin.
MERLIN: Wait, what?
ARTHUR: *snores*
THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO CAMELOT: *weeps in the corner because of being unnoticed*
UTHER: Son, how’s your manslaughter quota today?
ARTHUR: Uh, good?
UTHER: Excellent. Here, have some food. My parades are doing very well, you simply must see their new routine.
ARTHUR: I risked my life for prancing men in tights?
UTHER: What was that?
ARTHUR: Let us just get our pointy hats. They go great with prancing.
ARTHUR: *unwraps his big, long phallic unicorn horn*
MERLIN: Very symbolic, burying of a phallic symbol. *cough*virgin*cough*
ARTHUR: What was that?
MERLIN: Look, a unicorn! With a floppy fringe! It must be the very same unicorn!
ARTHUR: Really, how do you figure?
MERLIN: Aside from our budget not being stretchable enough for another white horse and super glue? Our shared virginity is really persistent, that’s how.
ARTHUR: *sigh* I should have let you drink first.
SARUMAN: *mystic voice from beyond the screen* So the unicorn lived again, because nothing will stay dead provided enough people care. And a whole country of starving people sure as hell care. In conclusion: live and let live! Peace out.
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Arthur is very pretty. And Morgana, for some reason, looks exactly like Keira Knightley.
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that was fun, thank you
i remember parts of this eppy.
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*tries to breathe*
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