[fic] Balloons 4
Oct. 10th, 2010 11:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keire_keTitle: Balloons
Rating: none
Pairings: 39, past Sanzo/Koumyou
Genre: AU WAFF
Wordcount: 50k, total.
Warnings: Koumyou is dead. Also, before the pairings squick you out, for the purposes of this fic Koumyou was never Sanzo's father figure. Might contain wacky adventures.
Summary: Sanzo hates the park, Hakkai, Gojyo, people and the world. He likes his OCD and his job as a professional Internet troll. He likes his unapologetic, rampant atheism. The universe sets out to prove him wrong.
Author's Note: Very loosely based on the (awesome and amazing) movie Up! This is actually a “light” version of the bunny – the original explored the pitfalls of reincarnation and crushed your soul.
The story is finished and will be posted whole over the next three weeks, maybe a little more (there is sixteen chapters, total). Doing it like this, because a/ I need a pick-me-up right now, and b/ have internet issues, posting the whole thing in one go would be a pain, c/ I figure this will make reading easier for you. So, enjoy!
Betaed bykispexi2, who graciously stepped in to help. <3 Thank you, hun!
The van must have chosen a less travelled road, because it jumped occasionally, sending the four of them flying into one another.
“Where do you suppose we’re going?” Hakkai asked, holding onto the walls.
“Better question: where do you suppose we are?” Gojyo jumped, hitting his head on the wall as the van surged forward.
“Judging by the heat, I’d say we are somewhere south.”
“Everyone is suddenly a geography professor.”
“I wish you wouldn’t descend into sarcasm, Sanzo.”
“Usually I’m morbid, so I’d imagine sarcasm is more of an ascent.”
“There is that to consider, true.”
Sanzo looked at Goku, who had unscrewed the cap of one of the bottles and was attempting to water the dog, possibly in the idiotic hope that he would grow. He was doing quite a good job, considering the van was moving, the dog was a dog, and there were no bowls to be seen.
“How long have you had Dug?” Hakkai asked, turning his attention to the spectacle.
“Half a year, give or take. Got him early in December, with the training and all I took him home for real in January.”
“It takes a month to train a guide dog?”
“As if!” Goku laughed and Dug sat up, smacking his black nose with his tongue. “They start training as puppies, they are with a family then, for about a year. Then they go to a centre for more training and then about a month with the new owner. That’s so they are sure I won’t accidentally kill him.”
“He certainly has better manners than some people I know.”
“Oh, Dug is totally awesome.”
“I can tell.”
“Is this supposed to be some sort of a slight?” Sanzo asked.
“No, it’s supposed to be an opinion. Dug certainly wouldn’t be so ill-mannered as to be caught smoking in the company of non-smokers.”
“Yes, perhaps you’d like to be reintroduced to the fact that he is a dog?” Sanzo asked, simultaneously realising a crucial and painful fact: he had no cigarettes. This was a problem. “Gojyo, do you have smokes?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Share.”
“You are not smoking in the van,” Hakkai and Goku said at the same time. “Dug doesn’t like smoke,” Goku continued, scrunching up his nose at Sanzo, in what was supposed to be a glare, but ended up as a bunny impression.
“Like I care what a dog likes!” Sanzo fumed but pretty much abandoned the idea of smoking, at least until open space was available.
“How did you two meet, anyway?” Gojyo had made himself comfortable on the pile of rags, mindless as usual.
“He threw a tennis ball at my head and then had the dog slobber on me.”
“Really? Damn. Is there any CCTV around where that happened?”
“I will kill you,” Sanzo said.
“No, you won’t.” Gojyo grinned brightly and Goku, who was disturbingly attuned to his frequencies, grinned too.
Sanzo turned around so that he didn’t have to see the creepers. He jumped when something cold and wet touched the back of his neck, ready to lash out verbally and physically, but of course cursing out a puppy-eyed dog wouldn’t make him feel any better. Dug lay down with his head on Sanzo’s knee and Sanzo tried not to move to much. Dogs were dogs, barely more than a wolf at the best of times; there was no telling what could have set him off into a biting mode.
“He is an adorable creature, is he not?”
“Adorable like a muscle spasm, possibly.”
“Sanzo.”
“Were you expecting me to turn into a fluffy bunny? I’m supposed to start jumping up and down and clapping my hands?”
“Altogether no, thank you. I like my sanity intact.” Hakkai paused and then smiled. “I do find it endearing that Dug likes you this much. I never figured you for a dog person.”
Sanzo snorted.
“No, honestly. I was envisioning you as the crazy cat lady.”
“How is that we are even speaking, I wonder sometimes?”
“So do I, believe me.” Hakkai smiled and Sanzo might have frozen, again, because despite his attitude he – goddamn it – treasured Hakkai and his stupid moron boyfriend, too. He would have frozen, but Hakkai’s eyes were unusually kind and understanding.
“I hate you,” Sanzo said turning away again.
“Indeed.”
The van rolled to a stop with a final bump that sent the five of them onto one unhappy pile. The door sprung open and a menacing shadow in a military uniform with a large gun held across the chest blocked the view. “Out,” it said, shoving the door aside.
They staggered onto the uneven cobbles, cursing as they went. The trip had been long and stretching room hard to come by.
“Don’t move,” said the soldier. Dug growled and then barked and then quieted, choosing instead to loll out his tongue and pant. Stupid, useless mutt, Sanzo thought grimly. So what if he had to be calm enough to handle being out with the public; a normal dog should have been leaping for the throat by now, and no excuses.
He looked around, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the glaring sun. They were standing on a flat slab of dirt, only different from the dirt around by being completely barren – every square inch of the surroundings was covered with more green than Sanzo would have imagined in his worst nightmares. They were somewhere in the jungle, he realised with a start, and the jungle was terrifying. Even in the bright sun there was something lurking in the depths, hidden by every fucking insignificant leaf.
“Fuck,” Sanzo said to no one in particular and demanded a cigarette from Gojyo.
“Is it me,” Hakkai asked,” or is the security here remarkably lax?”
“It’s you.”
“No, I’m serious. I think there’s only a couple of soldiers guarding us.”
“A couple of soldiers with huge fucking guns. You might want to recalculate that.”
“I am, believe me, but I’m thinking they won’t be so keen on shooting us.”
“How much are you willing to bet on this?”
Hakkai straightened. “Plenty. You don’t kidnap people and take them halfway round the world to shoot them in the jungle. Not when you can shoot them where they stand back home.”
There was some truth in that, Sanzo allowed cautiously. Whatever else was going on here, they were more valuable alive then dead. “What were you thinking?”
“There’s a little town just across this forest.”
Sanzo had long since given up on being surprised by what Hakkai could induce from minor geographical details. If he looked closely then perhaps he would have agreed that there seemed to be signs of human inhabitation – the green wall of the jungle was even and, here and there, there were little plaques that said something Sanzo assumed to mean “stay away, or your eyeballs will fall out”. So maybe Hakkai was right. “You mean the jungle,” he said, just to be contrary.
“Jungles are forests.”
“Forests dripping with poisonous plants, rats the size of horses and other lethal monstrosities.”
“I’d imagine so, but as I said, this place seems to be a parking lot, and the town is not far off. The road sign says so.”
“The road sign says so?”
“Quarter of a mile. I think we might hike our way up there, purchase a vehicle and take our leave.”
“Even though we have no idea where we are, and where we’re going?”
“Would you rather wait for the big men with bigger guns to enlighten you?”
Sanzo looked over his shoulder at Gojyo and Goku, who were fighting again. Dug was watching their exchange with canine glee on his face, like he was watching a particularly hilarious ping-pong match.
“Where would we go?” Sanzo asked.
Hakkai gave him a long look, one that attempted to communicate annoyance and exasperation. Because he was Hakkai, it was a splendid attempt. “I was considering an airport, but if you have a better idea…”
“Did it occur to you perhaps that we have no passports?”
“Right, that is a deterrent. Let me think.” Hakkai fell silent, tapping the side of his face with his forefinger. “That’s still worth trying. We might run into an embassy on our way.”
“Why certainly, embassies is the first thing built in the middle of a jungle, as opposed to, say, bars and casinos,” Sanzo said, rolling his eyes. Right then one of the soldiers wandered across the space between the two vans and Sanzo dropped his cigarette onto the ground. “Fuck that. Let’s move.”
“That’s the spirit!”
“Shut up.”
******
Ditching their guardians proved to be embarrassingly easy. Sanzo’s carelessly dropped fag set the dehydrated grass on fire, attracting the attention of the goons, and giving the four – five – of them enough smokescreen to disappear, first behind the vans and then into the jungle. Gojyo, of all people, had the foresight to grab a couple bottles of water from the van and, as they ducked into the darkness and death, Sanzo was grateful, because there was no way he was touching anything that was in contact with the greenery.
Dug, on the other hand, the stupid mutt that he was, had no such reservations. He sniffed out a leaf brimming with translucent liquid and happily lapped at it, mindless of the myriads of poisons that could have been hidden therein.
“You might want to rein the dog in,” Sanzo told Goku quietly. “He’s drinking from a poisonous leaf.” He didn’t anticipate Goku jumping three feet in the air in panic and whipping around so fast Sanzo’s head was spinning.
“Dug!” Goku called, his fingers tightening on Gojyo’s arm. “Dug!”
“Be quiet for fuck’s sake.”
“Okay, everybody, shut up.” Gojyo waved a hand in front of Sanzo’s face. “You, shut up. Goku, relax. Dug is fine. Dogs aren’t that stupid. It’s just a leaf and it’s just rainwater. Sanzo is paranoid.”
“I’m paranoid?”
“Perhaps it didn’t occur to you, but we aren’t exactly on virgin ground here,” Hakkai interjected without turning around. “This is a tourist tract. I’m sure most really poisonous things have been burned to the ground.”
Goku relaxed but still called Dug to him again and the mutt arrived, bouncing over the gnarly roots with his tongue lolling out. “Be careful, Dug,” Goku said, before taking Gojyo’s arm and following Hakkai. He moved with surprising agility, as though the roots and rocks weren’t even there. It took Sanzo a moment to connect that with Dug’s occasional brushes against his shin and Gojyo’s muttered comments. Sanzo stared at them for a long moment, confused by the myriads of thoughts swirling in his brain. He looked down, only to find Dug studying him with an intent gaze.
“Shut up,” Sanzo said and followed the rest of the group.
******
The town was tinier than tiny. It was slightly bigger than miniscule, which was something, Sanzo supposed. If it had been a miniscule town there would have been no hope of them getting any mode of transport that wasn’t a camel of a llama, but they found something here.
Hakkai waved to the peasant standing closest to the green Jeep and said something that even to Sanzo sounded offensive, but clearly the man was amused rather than offended. Possibly by Hakkai’s mangling of the language. Sanzo could swear he had no clue what was going on, but soon enough the man nodded and yelled something in the direction of what passed for a building in these parts. A young woman emerged, cradling something in her hands, something that turned out to be a wireless credit card terminal.
“What,” Sanzo asked, “the fuck?”
“Welcome to the twenty-first century, where have you been?” Gojyo quipped merrily. “How much did it go for?”
“Six hundred bolivares fuertes, and it’s a rental. Sanzo, if you would be so kind?”
Sanzo rolled his eyes but produced his credit card and proceeded to sign the chit when the terminal beeped its agreement. “You realise we have no plans to returning,” he hissed in Hakkai’s direction.
“Absolutely. Who do you take me for? We will call when we change our mode of transportation and provide precise GPS coordinates. This is why we are being grossly overcharged, by the way. I figured you wouldn’t mind.”
Sanzo didn’t mind. He had money to spare, and Hakkai was the picture of a sensible, even circumspect, spender, by anyone’s standard, and Sanzo would have had no money woes even without his unfortunate familial connections. Hakkai also seemed to be aware of the current exchange rates for this bizarre local currency in wherever the hell they were. “You are assuming we will have a phone to call with.”
“Again, Sanzo, twenty-first century. Do try and contemporize.” Hakkai picked up a device from the seat of the Jeep. “State of the art, provides both the coordinates and telecommunication. It would probably be wisest to refrain from communication until we know where we stand, mind.”
“Whatever. How is that we will call, leave coordinates, and escape before the freaks with guns rush in?”
“The plan is for us to be onboard the plane when we make the call.”
“Hey, where are we anyway?” Goku asked. Sanzo jumped. He’d almost forgotten they had baggage, tried to, in any case.
“If I’m not mistaken, Venezuela.”
Goku gaped. “But isn’t Venezuela on the other side of the world? Completely?”
“It depends how you understand completely. It certainly is in South America, but not quite on the opposite side of the globe.”
“You know what I mean!”
“In that case, yes, you are correct. We seem to have crossed the Atlantic Ocean.”
Goku scratched his neck. “I don’t remember being on a boat. What time is it anyway?”
“Good question.” Hakkai unlocked the mobile phone and fiddled with the keypad. “It would seem that we crossed the ocean and a substantial distance on land in under twenty-four hours, which leads me to believe we took a plane.”
“We took a plane? Seriously? Then why the hell don’t we remember anything?” Gojyo folded his arms across his chest and glared at no one in particular. “Seriously, what gives?”
“I do believe the phrase is ‘beats me’.”
“Wonderful. Just – Hakkai, you had nothing to do with it, right?”
For once in his life Sanzo applauded Gojyo. The thought hadn’t occurred to him, though now that it was voiced and vibrating in the air he saw it for the obvious truth that it must have been.
“I’m going to kill you,” he said conversationally, this close to losing his cool.
Hakkai, however, was unperturbed. “I had nothing whatsoever to do with this, although I do confess kidnapping has crossed my mind, once or twice.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“You know me, I should think, dear.”
“You expect me to believe that I find myself in the middle of an Indiana Jones movie and you had nothing whatsoever to do with it?” Sanzo stole the pack of cigarettes from Gojyo’s hands and lit up. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No. I am not. Besides, I’d hardly call this Indiana Jones, as I have yet to see an ancient temple or an evil cultist.”
“But those guys with guns sure could be Nazis.”
“They seem entirely too young and their haircuts indicate otherwise.”
“What’s wrong with their haircuts?” Goku asked.
“They have them, in short.”
“Whaz that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t you watch the news? Didn’t you, I mean?” Gojyo waved his fag in a complicated pattern. “All the dicks who subscribe to the broken windmill philosophy are bald.”
“Gojyo, that’s an unfair generalisation.”
This had all the markings of a heated discussion that would continue long after the starting topic had breathed its last and went under the messy current of the argument, gasping for breath. Sanzo rolled his eyes. “Can we go? I really don’t want to find out what the fuckers want with me until I’ve got a team of lawyers on my side.”
“I don’t have lawyers,” Goku said meekly when Gojyo guided him into the car. “Are we in any trouble?”
“I do believe Sanzo intends to sue whoever is responsible for our ordeal,” Hakkai said taking the driver’s seat.
“No kidding. Someone is getting a lawsuit the length of the frigging Orinoco.”
“I applaud your sudden geographical competence.”
“I applaud you shutting up and getting us the hell out of here,” Sanzo said, taking all the available space on the front seat, beside Hakkai.
“Is everyone secure?” Hakkai asked, turning around. Sanzo chanced a glance. The two brittle-brains in the backseat were sprawled all over the seats, with the dog stretched out on the floor.
“We’re good,” Goku said, patting Dug.
“Wonderful.” Hakkai turned the key in the ignition and the engine sputtered, coughed, wheezed and finally came alive, and the Jeep sprung forward while its passengers held on to their heads as inertia threatened to rip them off.
“Do you even have a licence?” Sanzo yelled over the roar of the engine as they shot into a road leading away from the village. The thick canopy of the jungle obscured the sun and Sanzo clenched his eyes shut. They were all going to die, every last one, and it wouldn’t be the insane kidnappers who’d be responsible, but Hakkai’s reckless driving.
“You know I do!” Hakkai yelled, swerving to avoid a protruding root.
“Well, do you have a licence that you didn’t print yourself for a quid in a print-shop!”
“I am wounded by the implication!”
“I don’t give a flying fuck!”
In the rear-view mirror Sanzo saw Gojyo and Goku clinging to the sides of the car, in the vain hope that their puny muscles were strong enough to withstand the insane forces generated by Hakkai’s use of the accelerator. Morons.
Before long the thick, green canopy gave way to the clear blue sky again and the four of them, to say nothing of the dog, sprang onto a narrow rocky road, flanked on both sides by a jungle so thing it was more like a uniform green wall. This was a small improvement, Sanzo felt, especially when the left side of the road suddenly disappeared, without warning, leaving them on a narrow shelf hugging the impenetrable forest.
“I hate you!” Sanzo screamed when the road grew so narrow that, were he to lean outside on his side of the car, would be staring into an abyss of jagged rocks and poisonous vines. “I hate your fucking guts!”
“No, you don’t!” Hakkai yelled back, while on the backseat Gojyo whooped with his primate brain.
“This is not funny!”
“It’s hilarious!” Gojyo slapped Goku’s shoulder and yelled something in his direction, something that the wind blew all the way down the cliff. Goku laughed in response and Dug, with his flawless timing, howled. Sanzo hated them all.
TBC
Rating: none
Pairings: 39, past Sanzo/Koumyou
Genre: AU WAFF
Wordcount: 50k, total.
Warnings: Koumyou is dead. Also, before the pairings squick you out, for the purposes of this fic Koumyou was never Sanzo's father figure. Might contain wacky adventures.
Summary: Sanzo hates the park, Hakkai, Gojyo, people and the world. He likes his OCD and his job as a professional Internet troll. He likes his unapologetic, rampant atheism. The universe sets out to prove him wrong.
Author's Note: Very loosely based on the (awesome and amazing) movie Up! This is actually a “light” version of the bunny – the original explored the pitfalls of reincarnation and crushed your soul.
The story is finished and will be posted whole over the next three weeks, maybe a little more (there is sixteen chapters, total). Doing it like this, because a/ I need a pick-me-up right now, and b/ have internet issues, posting the whole thing in one go would be a pain, c/ I figure this will make reading easier for you. So, enjoy!
Betaed by
kispexi2, who graciously stepped in to help. <3 Thank you, hun!The van must have chosen a less travelled road, because it jumped occasionally, sending the four of them flying into one another.
“Where do you suppose we’re going?” Hakkai asked, holding onto the walls.
“Better question: where do you suppose we are?” Gojyo jumped, hitting his head on the wall as the van surged forward.
“Judging by the heat, I’d say we are somewhere south.”
“Everyone is suddenly a geography professor.”
“I wish you wouldn’t descend into sarcasm, Sanzo.”
“Usually I’m morbid, so I’d imagine sarcasm is more of an ascent.”
“There is that to consider, true.”
Sanzo looked at Goku, who had unscrewed the cap of one of the bottles and was attempting to water the dog, possibly in the idiotic hope that he would grow. He was doing quite a good job, considering the van was moving, the dog was a dog, and there were no bowls to be seen.
“How long have you had Dug?” Hakkai asked, turning his attention to the spectacle.
“Half a year, give or take. Got him early in December, with the training and all I took him home for real in January.”
“It takes a month to train a guide dog?”
“As if!” Goku laughed and Dug sat up, smacking his black nose with his tongue. “They start training as puppies, they are with a family then, for about a year. Then they go to a centre for more training and then about a month with the new owner. That’s so they are sure I won’t accidentally kill him.”
“He certainly has better manners than some people I know.”
“Oh, Dug is totally awesome.”
“I can tell.”
“Is this supposed to be some sort of a slight?” Sanzo asked.
“No, it’s supposed to be an opinion. Dug certainly wouldn’t be so ill-mannered as to be caught smoking in the company of non-smokers.”
“Yes, perhaps you’d like to be reintroduced to the fact that he is a dog?” Sanzo asked, simultaneously realising a crucial and painful fact: he had no cigarettes. This was a problem. “Gojyo, do you have smokes?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Share.”
“You are not smoking in the van,” Hakkai and Goku said at the same time. “Dug doesn’t like smoke,” Goku continued, scrunching up his nose at Sanzo, in what was supposed to be a glare, but ended up as a bunny impression.
“Like I care what a dog likes!” Sanzo fumed but pretty much abandoned the idea of smoking, at least until open space was available.
“How did you two meet, anyway?” Gojyo had made himself comfortable on the pile of rags, mindless as usual.
“He threw a tennis ball at my head and then had the dog slobber on me.”
“Really? Damn. Is there any CCTV around where that happened?”
“I will kill you,” Sanzo said.
“No, you won’t.” Gojyo grinned brightly and Goku, who was disturbingly attuned to his frequencies, grinned too.
Sanzo turned around so that he didn’t have to see the creepers. He jumped when something cold and wet touched the back of his neck, ready to lash out verbally and physically, but of course cursing out a puppy-eyed dog wouldn’t make him feel any better. Dug lay down with his head on Sanzo’s knee and Sanzo tried not to move to much. Dogs were dogs, barely more than a wolf at the best of times; there was no telling what could have set him off into a biting mode.
“He is an adorable creature, is he not?”
“Adorable like a muscle spasm, possibly.”
“Sanzo.”
“Were you expecting me to turn into a fluffy bunny? I’m supposed to start jumping up and down and clapping my hands?”
“Altogether no, thank you. I like my sanity intact.” Hakkai paused and then smiled. “I do find it endearing that Dug likes you this much. I never figured you for a dog person.”
Sanzo snorted.
“No, honestly. I was envisioning you as the crazy cat lady.”
“How is that we are even speaking, I wonder sometimes?”
“So do I, believe me.” Hakkai smiled and Sanzo might have frozen, again, because despite his attitude he – goddamn it – treasured Hakkai and his stupid moron boyfriend, too. He would have frozen, but Hakkai’s eyes were unusually kind and understanding.
“I hate you,” Sanzo said turning away again.
“Indeed.”
The van rolled to a stop with a final bump that sent the five of them onto one unhappy pile. The door sprung open and a menacing shadow in a military uniform with a large gun held across the chest blocked the view. “Out,” it said, shoving the door aside.
They staggered onto the uneven cobbles, cursing as they went. The trip had been long and stretching room hard to come by.
“Don’t move,” said the soldier. Dug growled and then barked and then quieted, choosing instead to loll out his tongue and pant. Stupid, useless mutt, Sanzo thought grimly. So what if he had to be calm enough to handle being out with the public; a normal dog should have been leaping for the throat by now, and no excuses.
He looked around, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the glaring sun. They were standing on a flat slab of dirt, only different from the dirt around by being completely barren – every square inch of the surroundings was covered with more green than Sanzo would have imagined in his worst nightmares. They were somewhere in the jungle, he realised with a start, and the jungle was terrifying. Even in the bright sun there was something lurking in the depths, hidden by every fucking insignificant leaf.
“Fuck,” Sanzo said to no one in particular and demanded a cigarette from Gojyo.
“Is it me,” Hakkai asked,” or is the security here remarkably lax?”
“It’s you.”
“No, I’m serious. I think there’s only a couple of soldiers guarding us.”
“A couple of soldiers with huge fucking guns. You might want to recalculate that.”
“I am, believe me, but I’m thinking they won’t be so keen on shooting us.”
“How much are you willing to bet on this?”
Hakkai straightened. “Plenty. You don’t kidnap people and take them halfway round the world to shoot them in the jungle. Not when you can shoot them where they stand back home.”
There was some truth in that, Sanzo allowed cautiously. Whatever else was going on here, they were more valuable alive then dead. “What were you thinking?”
“There’s a little town just across this forest.”
Sanzo had long since given up on being surprised by what Hakkai could induce from minor geographical details. If he looked closely then perhaps he would have agreed that there seemed to be signs of human inhabitation – the green wall of the jungle was even and, here and there, there were little plaques that said something Sanzo assumed to mean “stay away, or your eyeballs will fall out”. So maybe Hakkai was right. “You mean the jungle,” he said, just to be contrary.
“Jungles are forests.”
“Forests dripping with poisonous plants, rats the size of horses and other lethal monstrosities.”
“I’d imagine so, but as I said, this place seems to be a parking lot, and the town is not far off. The road sign says so.”
“The road sign says so?”
“Quarter of a mile. I think we might hike our way up there, purchase a vehicle and take our leave.”
“Even though we have no idea where we are, and where we’re going?”
“Would you rather wait for the big men with bigger guns to enlighten you?”
Sanzo looked over his shoulder at Gojyo and Goku, who were fighting again. Dug was watching their exchange with canine glee on his face, like he was watching a particularly hilarious ping-pong match.
“Where would we go?” Sanzo asked.
Hakkai gave him a long look, one that attempted to communicate annoyance and exasperation. Because he was Hakkai, it was a splendid attempt. “I was considering an airport, but if you have a better idea…”
“Did it occur to you perhaps that we have no passports?”
“Right, that is a deterrent. Let me think.” Hakkai fell silent, tapping the side of his face with his forefinger. “That’s still worth trying. We might run into an embassy on our way.”
“Why certainly, embassies is the first thing built in the middle of a jungle, as opposed to, say, bars and casinos,” Sanzo said, rolling his eyes. Right then one of the soldiers wandered across the space between the two vans and Sanzo dropped his cigarette onto the ground. “Fuck that. Let’s move.”
“That’s the spirit!”
“Shut up.”
******
Ditching their guardians proved to be embarrassingly easy. Sanzo’s carelessly dropped fag set the dehydrated grass on fire, attracting the attention of the goons, and giving the four – five – of them enough smokescreen to disappear, first behind the vans and then into the jungle. Gojyo, of all people, had the foresight to grab a couple bottles of water from the van and, as they ducked into the darkness and death, Sanzo was grateful, because there was no way he was touching anything that was in contact with the greenery.
Dug, on the other hand, the stupid mutt that he was, had no such reservations. He sniffed out a leaf brimming with translucent liquid and happily lapped at it, mindless of the myriads of poisons that could have been hidden therein.
“You might want to rein the dog in,” Sanzo told Goku quietly. “He’s drinking from a poisonous leaf.” He didn’t anticipate Goku jumping three feet in the air in panic and whipping around so fast Sanzo’s head was spinning.
“Dug!” Goku called, his fingers tightening on Gojyo’s arm. “Dug!”
“Be quiet for fuck’s sake.”
“Okay, everybody, shut up.” Gojyo waved a hand in front of Sanzo’s face. “You, shut up. Goku, relax. Dug is fine. Dogs aren’t that stupid. It’s just a leaf and it’s just rainwater. Sanzo is paranoid.”
“I’m paranoid?”
“Perhaps it didn’t occur to you, but we aren’t exactly on virgin ground here,” Hakkai interjected without turning around. “This is a tourist tract. I’m sure most really poisonous things have been burned to the ground.”
Goku relaxed but still called Dug to him again and the mutt arrived, bouncing over the gnarly roots with his tongue lolling out. “Be careful, Dug,” Goku said, before taking Gojyo’s arm and following Hakkai. He moved with surprising agility, as though the roots and rocks weren’t even there. It took Sanzo a moment to connect that with Dug’s occasional brushes against his shin and Gojyo’s muttered comments. Sanzo stared at them for a long moment, confused by the myriads of thoughts swirling in his brain. He looked down, only to find Dug studying him with an intent gaze.
“Shut up,” Sanzo said and followed the rest of the group.
******
The town was tinier than tiny. It was slightly bigger than miniscule, which was something, Sanzo supposed. If it had been a miniscule town there would have been no hope of them getting any mode of transport that wasn’t a camel of a llama, but they found something here.
Hakkai waved to the peasant standing closest to the green Jeep and said something that even to Sanzo sounded offensive, but clearly the man was amused rather than offended. Possibly by Hakkai’s mangling of the language. Sanzo could swear he had no clue what was going on, but soon enough the man nodded and yelled something in the direction of what passed for a building in these parts. A young woman emerged, cradling something in her hands, something that turned out to be a wireless credit card terminal.
“What,” Sanzo asked, “the fuck?”
“Welcome to the twenty-first century, where have you been?” Gojyo quipped merrily. “How much did it go for?”
“Six hundred bolivares fuertes, and it’s a rental. Sanzo, if you would be so kind?”
Sanzo rolled his eyes but produced his credit card and proceeded to sign the chit when the terminal beeped its agreement. “You realise we have no plans to returning,” he hissed in Hakkai’s direction.
“Absolutely. Who do you take me for? We will call when we change our mode of transportation and provide precise GPS coordinates. This is why we are being grossly overcharged, by the way. I figured you wouldn’t mind.”
Sanzo didn’t mind. He had money to spare, and Hakkai was the picture of a sensible, even circumspect, spender, by anyone’s standard, and Sanzo would have had no money woes even without his unfortunate familial connections. Hakkai also seemed to be aware of the current exchange rates for this bizarre local currency in wherever the hell they were. “You are assuming we will have a phone to call with.”
“Again, Sanzo, twenty-first century. Do try and contemporize.” Hakkai picked up a device from the seat of the Jeep. “State of the art, provides both the coordinates and telecommunication. It would probably be wisest to refrain from communication until we know where we stand, mind.”
“Whatever. How is that we will call, leave coordinates, and escape before the freaks with guns rush in?”
“The plan is for us to be onboard the plane when we make the call.”
“Hey, where are we anyway?” Goku asked. Sanzo jumped. He’d almost forgotten they had baggage, tried to, in any case.
“If I’m not mistaken, Venezuela.”
Goku gaped. “But isn’t Venezuela on the other side of the world? Completely?”
“It depends how you understand completely. It certainly is in South America, but not quite on the opposite side of the globe.”
“You know what I mean!”
“In that case, yes, you are correct. We seem to have crossed the Atlantic Ocean.”
Goku scratched his neck. “I don’t remember being on a boat. What time is it anyway?”
“Good question.” Hakkai unlocked the mobile phone and fiddled with the keypad. “It would seem that we crossed the ocean and a substantial distance on land in under twenty-four hours, which leads me to believe we took a plane.”
“We took a plane? Seriously? Then why the hell don’t we remember anything?” Gojyo folded his arms across his chest and glared at no one in particular. “Seriously, what gives?”
“I do believe the phrase is ‘beats me’.”
“Wonderful. Just – Hakkai, you had nothing to do with it, right?”
For once in his life Sanzo applauded Gojyo. The thought hadn’t occurred to him, though now that it was voiced and vibrating in the air he saw it for the obvious truth that it must have been.
“I’m going to kill you,” he said conversationally, this close to losing his cool.
Hakkai, however, was unperturbed. “I had nothing whatsoever to do with this, although I do confess kidnapping has crossed my mind, once or twice.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“You know me, I should think, dear.”
“You expect me to believe that I find myself in the middle of an Indiana Jones movie and you had nothing whatsoever to do with it?” Sanzo stole the pack of cigarettes from Gojyo’s hands and lit up. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No. I am not. Besides, I’d hardly call this Indiana Jones, as I have yet to see an ancient temple or an evil cultist.”
“But those guys with guns sure could be Nazis.”
“They seem entirely too young and their haircuts indicate otherwise.”
“What’s wrong with their haircuts?” Goku asked.
“They have them, in short.”
“Whaz that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t you watch the news? Didn’t you, I mean?” Gojyo waved his fag in a complicated pattern. “All the dicks who subscribe to the broken windmill philosophy are bald.”
“Gojyo, that’s an unfair generalisation.”
This had all the markings of a heated discussion that would continue long after the starting topic had breathed its last and went under the messy current of the argument, gasping for breath. Sanzo rolled his eyes. “Can we go? I really don’t want to find out what the fuckers want with me until I’ve got a team of lawyers on my side.”
“I don’t have lawyers,” Goku said meekly when Gojyo guided him into the car. “Are we in any trouble?”
“I do believe Sanzo intends to sue whoever is responsible for our ordeal,” Hakkai said taking the driver’s seat.
“No kidding. Someone is getting a lawsuit the length of the frigging Orinoco.”
“I applaud your sudden geographical competence.”
“I applaud you shutting up and getting us the hell out of here,” Sanzo said, taking all the available space on the front seat, beside Hakkai.
“Is everyone secure?” Hakkai asked, turning around. Sanzo chanced a glance. The two brittle-brains in the backseat were sprawled all over the seats, with the dog stretched out on the floor.
“We’re good,” Goku said, patting Dug.
“Wonderful.” Hakkai turned the key in the ignition and the engine sputtered, coughed, wheezed and finally came alive, and the Jeep sprung forward while its passengers held on to their heads as inertia threatened to rip them off.
“Do you even have a licence?” Sanzo yelled over the roar of the engine as they shot into a road leading away from the village. The thick canopy of the jungle obscured the sun and Sanzo clenched his eyes shut. They were all going to die, every last one, and it wouldn’t be the insane kidnappers who’d be responsible, but Hakkai’s reckless driving.
“You know I do!” Hakkai yelled, swerving to avoid a protruding root.
“Well, do you have a licence that you didn’t print yourself for a quid in a print-shop!”
“I am wounded by the implication!”
“I don’t give a flying fuck!”
In the rear-view mirror Sanzo saw Gojyo and Goku clinging to the sides of the car, in the vain hope that their puny muscles were strong enough to withstand the insane forces generated by Hakkai’s use of the accelerator. Morons.
Before long the thick, green canopy gave way to the clear blue sky again and the four of them, to say nothing of the dog, sprang onto a narrow rocky road, flanked on both sides by a jungle so thing it was more like a uniform green wall. This was a small improvement, Sanzo felt, especially when the left side of the road suddenly disappeared, without warning, leaving them on a narrow shelf hugging the impenetrable forest.
“I hate you!” Sanzo screamed when the road grew so narrow that, were he to lean outside on his side of the car, would be staring into an abyss of jagged rocks and poisonous vines. “I hate your fucking guts!”
“No, you don’t!” Hakkai yelled back, while on the backseat Gojyo whooped with his primate brain.
“This is not funny!”
“It’s hilarious!” Gojyo slapped Goku’s shoulder and yelled something in his direction, something that the wind blew all the way down the cliff. Goku laughed in response and Dug, with his flawless timing, howled. Sanzo hated them all.
TBC
