This looks new!
May. 17th, 2011 02:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keire_keThe Priest: because vampires are fucking monsters, damnit!!!!!LOL!!!11!eleventy! ... which kinda shoots itself in the foot with the inclusion of KARL URBAN and KARL URBAN'S HAT. But, hey.
DIRECTOR: People, we have a vision here. We're going back to the time when vampires were still soulless monsters and creeps, and we are giving it our all. But because so much has been said on the subject, we're throwing in a church. Because that always goes well! Roll call!
VAMPIRE BILL: I get killed by vampires. This is somewhat new for me!
TWILIGHT!JAMES: My love interest is kidnapped by vampires. I gotta save her from this evil vampire, who mostly took her to get on the nerves of this dude who fights vampires. This is in no way familiar ground for me.
PAUL BETTANY: I play this pale, hooded, monastic creep, who lays the royal smackdown five times before lunch. This is in not very familiar, either.
KARL URBAN: I get dropped in the lair of mutated freaks, get mutated for my trouble, only difference is I actually rock this gig. ... wait. I feel like I should know this already. Oh well, this time I got me a hat.
PAUL BETTANY: Excuse me, I have a brother called Owen who looks after my niece, with his wife, out in the desert, while I'm whisked away by this monastic order that teaches how to fuck gravity six ways from Sunday and not call the next day? Should this ring a bell as much as it does?
DIRECTOR: No.
MAGGIE Q: I'm just there to be awesome and fuck the rules of gravity.
NOT!POPE: *only gets a mention, because he is Christopher Plummer* Thank you. I am in deep, deep denial about the state of the world and what the actual problem seems to be. Say, this isn't a metaphor for anything, is it?
DIRECTOR: Awesome, splendid and spectacular! Did everyone get their characterisation/acting directions?
EVERYONE: *holds up a post-it note*
DIRECTOR: Excellent!
KARL URBAN'S HAT: BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! We shall conquer, bitches!
KARL URBAN: Hush, darling. We wouldn't want to spoil the game so soon.
KARL URBAN'S HAT: Bitch, please. I'm Karl Urban's motherfucking hat.
KARL URBAN: You make a very good point.
DIRECTOR: ACTION!!!
PAUL BETTANY: *emotes in a pale way, occasionally pausing to lay down the royal smackdown*
TWILIGHT!JAMES: Always Save the Girl!
MAGGIE Q: *silently emoes at Paul*
KARL URBAN: *loudly emoes at Paul* Join me! And Together! We Will Rule! As Brothers! All Night Long, Baby!
PAUL BETTANY: You know, if you'd only said it back before I spent twenty years dreaming of you, it might have worked.
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER: Mine just says "evil".
DIRECTOR: Problem?
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER: No, of course not.
THE PLOT: Basically? I'm Van Helsing, only with more emo and less dancing. Oh, and the damsel is the hero's niece. This is important. Then MAGGIE Q explodes the train with a bike, because she is awesome like that.
THINGS OF IMPORTANCE: KARL URBAN conducts your local apocalyptic feeding, to the tune of Mozart's Requiem, while KARL URBAN'S HAT overlooks the scene. KARL URBAN Hams It Up to Eleven. KARL URBAN eats Grima Wormtongue's face, while KARL URBAN'S HAT coos. KARL URBAN has very, very pretty eyes (and a hat!).
THE TRAIN: *KABOOOOOM*
KARL URBAN: *leaps into the flames with his arms spread*
KARL URBAN'S HAT: *slowly drifts to the ground after the explosion, from on high, while Paul watches*
PAUL BETTANY: ... yeah, I'm sure he's dead.
KARL URBAN'S HAT: *chortles*
Overall? Pretty fun. :D Bear in mind I consider Van Helsing to be pretty fun.
DIRECTOR: People, we have a vision here. We're going back to the time when vampires were still soulless monsters and creeps, and we are giving it our all. But because so much has been said on the subject, we're throwing in a church. Because that always goes well! Roll call!
VAMPIRE BILL: I get killed by vampires. This is somewhat new for me!
TWILIGHT!JAMES: My love interest is kidnapped by vampires. I gotta save her from this evil vampire, who mostly took her to get on the nerves of this dude who fights vampires. This is in no way familiar ground for me.
PAUL BETTANY: I play this pale, hooded, monastic creep, who lays the royal smackdown five times before lunch. This is in not very familiar, either.
KARL URBAN: I get dropped in the lair of mutated freaks, get mutated for my trouble, only difference is I actually rock this gig. ... wait. I feel like I should know this already. Oh well, this time I got me a hat.
PAUL BETTANY: Excuse me, I have a brother called Owen who looks after my niece, with his wife, out in the desert, while I'm whisked away by this monastic order that teaches how to fuck gravity six ways from Sunday and not call the next day? Should this ring a bell as much as it does?
DIRECTOR: No.
MAGGIE Q: I'm just there to be awesome and fuck the rules of gravity.
NOT!POPE: *only gets a mention, because he is Christopher Plummer* Thank you. I am in deep, deep denial about the state of the world and what the actual problem seems to be. Say, this isn't a metaphor for anything, is it?
DIRECTOR: Awesome, splendid and spectacular! Did everyone get their characterisation/acting directions?
EVERYONE: *holds up a post-it note*
DIRECTOR: Excellent!
KARL URBAN'S HAT: BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! We shall conquer, bitches!
KARL URBAN: Hush, darling. We wouldn't want to spoil the game so soon.
KARL URBAN'S HAT: Bitch, please. I'm Karl Urban's motherfucking hat.
KARL URBAN: You make a very good point.
DIRECTOR: ACTION!!!
PAUL BETTANY: *emotes in a pale way, occasionally pausing to lay down the royal smackdown*
TWILIGHT!JAMES: Always Save the Girl!
MAGGIE Q: *silently emoes at Paul*
KARL URBAN: *loudly emoes at Paul* Join me! And Together! We Will Rule! As Brothers! All Night Long, Baby!
PAUL BETTANY: You know, if you'd only said it back before I spent twenty years dreaming of you, it might have worked.
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER: Mine just says "evil".
DIRECTOR: Problem?
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER: No, of course not.
THE PLOT: Basically? I'm Van Helsing, only with more emo and less dancing. Oh, and the damsel is the hero's niece. This is important. Then MAGGIE Q explodes the train with a bike, because she is awesome like that.
THINGS OF IMPORTANCE: KARL URBAN conducts your local apocalyptic feeding, to the tune of Mozart's Requiem, while KARL URBAN'S HAT overlooks the scene. KARL URBAN Hams It Up to Eleven. KARL URBAN eats Grima Wormtongue's face, while KARL URBAN'S HAT coos. KARL URBAN has very, very pretty eyes (and a hat!).
THE TRAIN: *KABOOOOOM*
KARL URBAN: *leaps into the flames with his arms spread*
KARL URBAN'S HAT: *slowly drifts to the ground after the explosion, from on high, while Paul watches*
PAUL BETTANY: ... yeah, I'm sure he's dead.
KARL URBAN'S HAT: *chortles*
Overall? Pretty fun. :D Bear in mind I consider Van Helsing to be pretty fun.
