Revision

Oct. 24th, 2007 12:25 am
keire_ke: (Default)
[personal profile] keire_ke
Okay, added a whole new beginning to the chapter. What d'ya think?


Goku heeded Sanzo’s command for about six hours. Long enough to put everyone’s minds at least partially at ease – two meals even has been made and eaten, not without certain amount of lost utensils and cutlery. Not everyone was present. Hakkai, as soon as Jien’s arm was splintered and wrapped and Yaone’s burns disinfected and cleaned, set up camp in the infirmary, downloading file after a file from the hard disc they retrieved from the facility.

The crew tried to pretend what he was doing wasn’t a matter of someone’s life and death. A certain amount of tension was palpable, all the same.

“Leave it,” Sanzo said when the fact of the large fork stuck in the ceiling was presented to his attention at dinner. “We’ve got a spare. And I don’t want to know how it got there,” he added, seeing the sheepish expressions Lirin and Jien wore.

Goku was quiet for most of the meal. It was only when everyone else was almost finished when someone noticed that he was staring at the opposite wall, his eyes glassy and unfocused.

“Goku?” Gojyo, who sat right next to him, poked the monkey. “What’s with you?”

Goku didn’t reply. His breath hitched and he stood up unsteadily. Sanzo was at his side in a heartbeat, hoisting his arm around his shoulders and directing their steps to the infirmary. The table was left in silence, staring at their own plates.

“Will Goku be okay?” Lirin asked quietly, looking at her brother.

Kougaji looked at her with a feeble smile. There was no real answer to that question, was there?

Meanwhile, Sanzo barged into the infirmary. Well, in his mind at least it was barging, because what in fact took place was a certain amount of a cautious waddle. He berated himself for that. He should hurry, not indulge the little moron’s fainting spell. It was worth it, however, to see Hakkai’s steely composure evaporate.

“What happened?”

“Not a clue,” Sanzo replied, since Goku didn’t look like he would.

Hakkai gestured to the table in the middle and Sanzo, with minor contributions from Goku, obliged. The monitors beeped in unison as soon as Goku was immobile, and Sanzo started. He didn’t have a clue what most of the readings meant, but he suspected it couldn’t be good. Beeping rarely was. Hakkai seemed to agree – he was opening the drawers and unpacking a frightening amount of syringes and multi-coloured bottles.

“It’s bad,” Hakkai said in Sanzo’s direction, answering the unvoiced question. “I’m going to anaesthetise him.”

“That will help, how?”

“Less stress. Hopefully.”

The first syringe was emptied into Goku’s elbow. His eyelids fluttered and he strained, as if trying to fight. Sanzo, without thinking, grabbed Goku’s shoulder and pressed it down. “Settle, moron. I swear, if you die, you’re gonna fucking regret it!”

Goku turned his head to look at Sanzo, holding his gaze until Hakkai fitted a breathing mask over his face and his eyes closed. Sanzo trailed his fingers down Goku’s lax arm. There was a moment, he was sure, when Goku’s hand closed around his own, but after he snatched his arm back he was sure he must have imagined it.

“What now?” he asked, but even without Hakkai’s explanation he could see the screens were settling. Not loosing the reddish hue, which apparently signified danger, but settling.

“This should buy me some time,” the doctor said finally. “I got a feeling of how the data is organised, but it’s haphazard, at best.”

“Six hours and you got a feeling?”

“It was more like four hours. And I don’t have to tell you, Goku’s medical file is huge.” In the tense silence Hakkai’s admission sounded particularly poignant. “I don’t know what I’m looking for.”

Sanzo wasn’t quite sure how to react. He settled on storming out of the infirmary. It was, he reasoned, the sensible thing to do: leaving Hakkai to his work meant hed be more efficient about finding a cure for the monkey, so that he could strangle him to giving him trouble. With that thought in his mind, he pushed through the sympathetic crowd gathered at the door. “Doctor needs something done, it’d better be done,” he threw over his shoulder at his crew. He didn’t wait for confirmation. He stormed to the bridge and threw himself onto the pilot’s seat.

It wouldn’t hurt to know if any news appeared in the system, he decided a couple minutes later. Luckily, the long-distance communication devices survived Yaone’s mad flying. To Sanzo’s utmost surprise, he didn’t even have to log into the classified military networks: the news didn’t so much appear as assaulted the net, taking over its usual routine of porn, gossip and more porn.

Over the next day or so the captain was browsing the military database and the rest of reliable to quasi-reliable news channels. It was during one of the rounds that Gojyo appeared with two cups of coffee. The companion took it upon himself to fetch meals for everyone who neglected to show up at the dining room table at any time.

“We’re still not being followed?” Gojyo asked Sanzo, who was lounging in the pilot’s seat, his feat on the dashboard, with Kouryuu in his lap.

Sanzo couldn’t help but smirk at the question, even if the coffee, or anything else for that matter, didn’t warrant a smile. “UEG has other problems now.”

“Like?”

“We left the facility wide open. Seems like someone took interest in the silence, finally, and it wasn’t only the gov. Even after the scavengers were gone, there was enough left inside to pose some pretty interesting questions.”

“Like?”

Sanzo flipped a switch and a TV news channel came up on one of the screens. A pretty female speaker intoned, in a serious tone of voice, what must have been the news of the day: “… most of the data stored has been destroyed or stolen, however the few pieces that remain raise questions about the authorities’ involvement in the research conducted there. Many organisations have been calling for the arrest of anyone directly connected with the facility. No arrests have been made so far, but is has been confirmed that the research has been at least partly sponsored by the Parliament. The subjects of the experiment remain unknown, presumed dead, judging by the state of…”

Sanzo switched the news off. “Frankenstein’s Government, they’re calling it. Someone’s come up with a font and a logo already, one thing it’s missing is theme music and a song number with umbrellas.”

“Shit! What if they find Goku? Or Hakkai? If they’ve got their faces plastered on every screen in the galaxy-”

“Ha. They didn’t find any reliable pictures so far. It seems that the security feeds were not kept within the main facility. They have mysteriously disappeared as soon as news got around.” Sanzo paused. “Because the scavengers had time to pillage once we were out, the place has no more digital data than an ancient tomb.”

“Fuck.”

“That language helps your whoring along?”

“If it’s gonna get you laid, it must work.”

“What the hell are you on?”

“Oh, come on. You didn’t think I’d just ignore it.”

“Fuck you. And shut up.”

“If I were you, I would wait until the kid is a little more coherent though. Either that, or get Hakkai to give him the birds and the bees talk, because if he thought that was CPR, you’re screwed. Or not, rather.”

Sanzo gave Gojyo a long and pointed look. Finally he picked up Kouryuu and turned him to face the companion. “Get him,” he told the cat, pushing him in Gojyo’s direction. Gojyo made an undignified sound and left the bridge with a traditional cry of “this isn’t over yet!”

Kouryuu landed on the floor and looked at Sanzo, affronted. Then he looked to the door and meowed. When no one showed up, he jumped back onto Sanzo’s lap and curled into a ball of fluff, nuzzling Sanzo’s hand, and meowed again, this time mournfully.

“You and me both, furball.”

Hakkai only ate these past two days because Gojyo took it upon him to fetch the food from the kitchen into the infirmary. Other than patching up the crew, bathroom breaks and the occasional fainting spell – that is, falling asleep standing up – Hakkai spent the past forty hours going through the extensive medical files Goku managed to accumulate during his time at the facility. Gojyo helped, as did they all, but there was only so much they could do without solid medical knowledge and a good idea of what they were looking for. Which they didn’t have.

Sanzo closed his eyes. They didn’t even know how much time they had, or how many near fatal episodes Goku could take, before they became fatal.

He hoped, just a touch unkindly, that it was a lot.

Sanzo woke up several hours later, cursing. Some kind soul fetched him a blanket while he was off in dreamlessland, so he was relatively warm, even if decidedly not comfortable. He knew falling asleep in a sitting position was not a good idea, but going back to his cabin didn’t seem that appealing. So Sanzo stayed, watching the dashboard of his ship flicker merrily before him. West was mostly in one piece and for that he was grateful. There were some repairs that needed doing, some of them not so minor, but the ship was whole and was flying and that mattered the world to the captain. He allowed himself a smile. “Good girl,” he muttered patting the side of the main screen before him.

He felt the loss of warmth when Kouryuu extracted himself from underneath the blanket and jumped onto the floor. He glared at the feline – he was warm, damn it! Kouryuu, uncaring of the minor discomfort, sauntered away from him and toward… Goku?

“What the hell?” Sanzo asked getting up. His back protested, but he told it to go and fuck itself.

Goku smiled at him. He was standing before the window, staring out into space, hugging himself. “Nuthin. The stars are so pretty from here.”

“What are you doing here? I thought Hakkai kept you doped?”

“I’m fine.”

It didn’t sound like the “fuck off” Sanzo would normally interpret the phrase as. Goku was staring out the window and there was awe in his voice, awe and profound joy. Sanzo’s breath almost caught.

“How the hell do you know?”

“I can breathe alright now. It was always kinda like being underwater, the air’s plenty but you can’t seem to draw a proper breath cause there’s a weight on your chest and now it’s gone.”

Kouryuu was purring and rubbing his head against Goku’s bare legs, happier to see the monkey, Sanzo noted with irritation, than he’d ever been to see him. Stupid cat. Goku bent and picked him up, hugging the animal to his chest.

“What happens now?” he asked quietly.

“I don’t know.” Sanzo shrugged. “So far there’s enough to keep the UEG occupied, every single human rights organisation is shoving paragraphs down their throats and everyone’s still expecting to discover something in the rubble. Mostly they are looking for who was involved.” It was hard to believe they were that lucky, but so far it seemed like they were indeed off the hook. With all the press hounding their every move it would be incautious of any official to be hiring bounty hunters, never mind sending government troops to do the job. It would be incautious of Sanzo to let his guard down, but he was, for once in his life, optimistic.

“I meant me. And Hakkai,” Goku added after the slightest pause.

Sanzo looked outside, at the vacuum. There was nothing but his reflection against the white-spotted darkness. “Can’t pay you much. I can barely afford the crew I’ve got, never mind a billion credit freakshow like you. Same goes for Hakkai. You’d probably be better off finding employment dirt-side, though I wouldn’t recommend going anywhere too close to centre planets. Everyone’s in need of a good doctor, and I suppose everyone’s got someone needs killing.”

Goku made a sound between a snort and a huh. “You’re a bastard, you know?”

Unexpectedly Sanzo found himself standing next to the monkey. It puzzled him, because geographically it seemed that he had moved, not Goku. “Well then, I suppose you’re gonna have to live with it,” Sanzo said. Kouryuu’s tail hit his chest and swung back to Goku.

“Everyone – in three, two, one…” thunderous applause filled the bridge, complete with catcalls and wolf-whistles. Sanzo glared at his bothersome crew, especially Gojyo, who was behind this display.

“The fuck do you want?”

“Breakfast would be nice,” Yaone said. “And if I may be so bold as to implore you to make some of that plasma coffee of yours? I fear my bloodstream is too thin.”

“Oooh.” That was a long joyous oh from Goku. “Food!” Kouryuu hissed, offended when Goku suddenly started bouncing up and down. He pushed away from Goku’s chest and landed on the floor, where he started washing himself.

“We’ll see what we’ve got left, but don’t get your hopes up, kid,” Jien told him. “It’ll probably be nothing but protein.”

“As long as it’s edible,” Sanzo muttered. He craved a cigarette.

“Sanzo?”

“What?” Sanzo asked turning to Goku, but his question died when Goku’s hands pulled his head down to press their lips together. It was a quick and chaste kiss, but it managed to accomplish the impossible: stupefying the captain into silence and a blank stare. Goku grinned at Sanzo and ran after Kouryuu to the mess hall, to the crew’s delight.

It was a long while before Sanzo followed. When he did, there was a little smirk dancing about his mouth. The only reason it couldn’t be called a smile was because it was Sanzo who was wearing it.

“So, I take it you did it,” Sanzo said to Hakkai after they finished eating and the crew bounced, now with their hearts light, about their business. Meaning, Yaone and Kougaji locked the doors to their bunk from the inside, Lirin and Goku were playing hide and seek, while Jien and Gojyo played cards.

“I did, yes.” Hakkai looked around the infirmary, cleaning up some of the mess. Sanzo waited for an elaboration. “It turned out to be amazingly simple. Subliminal triggering. He- Goku’s been trained to start fighting at the sound of certain phrases and literally drop dead at others.” Hakkai looked down, at the data pad he spent so much time over. “The drug was a failsafe, it was supposed to keep Goku incapacitated in case he ever escaped or was kidnapped. Also more psychological than physical.”

Sanzo spent a minute contemplating Hakkai’s words. “Drop dead?”

“I’m not sure what was it Homura said so…” The doctor handed Sanzo the data pad.

“This one,” the captain said without hesitation. The phrase was still ringing in his ears along with the disturbing visuals. Hakkai looked and smiled grimly.

“Literally then. According to the documentation, Goku should have died on the spot.”

“But he didn’t. I saw him breathe, he was conscious, even.”

Hakkai smiled one of the few smiles that annoyed Sanzo, but for different reasons that Hakkai’s smiles usually did. “Well then. Maybe he just really didn’t want to die. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get some sleep.”

Sanzo stayed in the infirmary for a long time, staring at the wall. When he finally stepped out, he’d collided with the monkey, who was running from the madly giggling Lirin. Using the distraction the captain provided, Lirin smacked Goku’s arm, whirled in place and ran in the opposite direction, yelling “Tag, you’re it!” on top of her voice.

I’m in serious trouble, Sanzo thought, smacking the monkey and hoping to hell no one noticed his fingers linger on Goku’s neck, even though no one was there. The monkey grinned at him and he had to smirk back. “If you get yourselves killed, it’s not my problem.”

Goku turned, faster than a normal person should, and caught his hand. The grin changed into a little smile.

“Ain’t.”



EPILOGUE

It wasn’t anywhere near as symbolic as it probably should have been, but Sanzo recalled Duo’s homeworld was one of the urbanised central planets and that he hated it. Despite the technology he and Heero had around all the time, they were surprisingly fond of the plains and deserts the less civilised planets had to offer.

Their favourite hideout was an old cottage, probably dating as far back as the arrival of the first settlers on Hestia. It hadn’t been lived in for a long time, but the landing spot was clear and well kept, and its remote location kept the local population at bay. The grounds were private property, although whose exactly was lost in the annals of Hestia’s chronicles. Like most properties on the outer planets, it belonged to whoever maintained the fence. Now the job fell to Sanzo and his group.

The crew built a memorial on top of a hill, not far from the small building. Gojyo, of all people, proved to be an adept calligrapher and Jien had a knack for stonework; together they managed to carve Heero and Duo’s names into the hard rock the moon provided. Sanzo approved of the result, as much as he could approve of anything.

There was no service to speak of. They built a fire next to the marker and sat around it throughout the night, waiting for the dawn. No one really said anything, until the sky brightened and the sun detached from the horizon.

“I’d like to get back here in spring,” Yaone said. “Maybe plant a tree.”

“Heero’s cottage should be great when the snow falls,” Kougaji said. “If we do some repair work. The chimney needs rebuilding, but it shouldn’t be hard.” Lirin bounced gleefully at the thought of snow, and recounted the innumerable battles she’d had with her brother and friends back at their parent’s house. Goku listened intently, a little awed by the prospect of playing in what he theoretically knew as an impediment and a potential murder weapon.

Sanzo, listening to his crew’s chattering, rolled his eyes. “Maybe. If we’re still alive. Now get on board.”
From: [identity profile] gen50.livejournal.com
the first one, although abrupt seemed to be more exciting. i think i know why - your lead-in few paragraphs - became more of a narrative (an explanation ... and perhaps caused it to be standing still - in a relative sense) and less of an action-filled one - unlike the first, which seemed to be alive and jumping (which is why i chose abrupt)

but that's at first reading. i'll do another read,for the complete view....

did it end the same way? with it "AInt?"
I dont remember commenting on it.
anyway. i just wanted to say that "AINT" was an excellent riposte on goku's part.
a beautiful ending. i dont think i said that, did i?

EDIT: well, now that i've deleted it i can do this.
i stand by my comment but this is part i wanted to add

it didnt register in the first because i went ahead and read the epilogue (now i know why books force a new page for things like epilogue - it forces the reader to take stock up and breathe properly)

anyway.
i think you might have explained too many things?
dont get me wrong - i'm happy you answered all my questions, but perhaps i should have been perfectly satisfied to just have a portion of them gratified, fic-wise... and do an EoS for the rest.

anyway, i like this about as equally as the first, though i had more stuff explained here.
i'm not sure when the insufficient became enough though.
ext_33880: (Default)
From: [identity profile] keire-ke.livejournal.com
Yes it does seem a little slower, I think I added something like ~600 words. I guess it depends on what were you expecting. After the excitement it might be slow. But, like you said previously, it was a little unfair of me to dismiss Hakkai's efforts with a short paragraph. The quest to heal Goku was very important, almost as important as running from a certain explosion. So in that sense at least I think the story deserved this chapter.

I'm glad you like the ending! The "ain't" just flashed into existance and I just knew it is good. ^_____^

I don't think I added much information-wise. Yes, I clarified the sudden discovery of the facility if only a little, but I thought that was necessary. do an EoS?

Thank you! I was a little unsatisfied with the first version, I'm glad you poked me into doing this. I think it flows more naturally and balances the scales between "OMGZ, thei'z egx'splodin' us!!!!11!eleven!" and "... myocardical infractions, one point thirty nine, hand me the nysomoprinsckotrophinozol and a syringe #421". Perhaps it's that you read the first version as the final part and it had no other chance but to stick. Whereas for me it's always been a WIP.

Thanks again for reading. You helped! *huggles*
From: [identity profile] gen50.livejournal.com
the do an EoS - was a reference to Eos's comment about what i termed as a little brevity - she expanded in her head, and so it was perfect, for her.

which is why, perhaps i should have imagined some of the other stuff (like the boorish paparazzi...) but i also know me, and i can easily under-imagine as i can over-imagine.

i liked the hakkai bits, but Eos easily imagined the hakkai-throroughness. i suppose i prefer it a little more explicit.

i try to be as honest, but am not always so good at explaining the whys of my comments ... sometimes all i can say is the feeling or the flow i get

this is one of the fics i plan to re-read when i go off.
series stuff is always good to re-read.
i re-read a lot of silver's (even those on another website!), for example.


ext_33880: (Default)
From: [identity profile] keire-ke.livejournal.com
Well, as someone said, if any plotholes are fanfic invitations. :D

On the other hand, it's not fair of me to expect everyone to come up with their own theory. It was a little bare. I still think there might be enough space to speculate. Me, I'm happier with this elaborated version.

No, it's cool. Comment as honestly as you can. Even if I don't agree, it's important to know what my readership thinks. <3

Have fun re-reading!

Date: 2007-10-25 12:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kispexi2.livejournal.com
My tuppence worth. Although I love having more of a story to read, I agree with [livejournal.com profile] gen50 that the extra segment maybe slowed it down a bit. I think it *is* possible to imagine that Hakkai would have been a diligent doctor, but it's nice to see too. Perhaps less narration and more dialogue is the way to go? The problem is, you might then get into needing to restructure the whole story - so that the dialogue appears at the most pertinent times.

If I *had* to choose, I think maybe I preferred the first version. And I'm saying 'maybe' because having read it first, it might have prejudiced me for reading *this* version - if you understand what I mean.

Date: 2007-10-27 09:37 pm (UTC)
ext_33880: (Default)
From: [identity profile] keire-ke.livejournal.com
Hmm. Well, that is the problem if you post stuff as you go. :D

Thanks for the input. I'll be sticking to this version - I thought the first was too abrupt and summarised too much. I think it was unfair to dismiss Hakkai's efforts with a sentence. I will make sure, in the future, not to post chapters I'm not entirely satisfied with. Thanks for the help! *huggles*

Date: 2007-10-28 10:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kispexi2.livejournal.com
I post as I go too, so I know what you mean only too well! I've promised myself I'm not going to do that in future. OTOH, sometimes it seems to give more time for ideas to brew and develop. Darn it - I fear there is no perfect set of rules and that it all depends on the particular writer and story.

Date: 2007-11-20 02:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] swlover.livejournal.com
Nearly a month later...here I am! :)

I liked this chapter more than the first release. Even though it didn't move as quickly, I had a better feel for how concerned Sanzo was for Goku. In the first release of the chapter, we jumped from the action packed Chapter 17 to a summarized Chapter 18. I knew Sanzo and crew were worried for Goku and that they were working on the West, but it felt a little like a Cliff Notes version. I still loved it and was very happy with the chapter. But, the rewrite...improved the whole feel of the chapter greatly.

The line "Goku heeded Sanzo’s command for about six hours. Long enough to put everyone’s minds at least partially at ease." and the entire infirmary section showcased the mindset of the crew and Sanzo beautifully.

Once again, the first version was very nice. I just feel that the rewrite explicitly showed the emotions of the crew and kept the feeling of urgency built in Chapter 17.

I really enjoyed this fic! Thank you for writing such a wonderful Saiyuki AU. I followed it closely and I loved the way you chose to end it.

:)

Date: 2007-11-20 06:36 pm (UTC)
ext_33880: (39 Staring at the sun)
From: [identity profile] keire-ke.livejournal.com
Yay!

*nods* I'm glad - I liked this version better myself. I was so excited when I finished, I couldn't wait to share the excitement! And it seemed a lot rushed, having all the concern and effort evaporate. ^______^

Goku managed to worm his way into their hearts, despite being a killer monkey on the lose. :D Especially Sanzo's heart.

Thank you very much! I sincerely hope you enjoyed the ride, it's been only too fun for me. ^______^

Date: 2008-01-26 06:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ginnyvos.livejournal.com
Oh dear... This was... What a ride. Seriously. I loved it ^^ Is there a sequel of sorts? Hmmm? Because, you know, I'd love to see the relationship between Hakkai and Gojyo develop (and ineventably, Hakkai getting jealous of Gojyo's occupation...) and Sanzo and Goku's relationship of course! And the rest of the crew and... well yeah.

wonderful. awesome. amazing. win!

Date: 2008-01-26 06:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ginnyvos.livejournal.com
Oh and I hope you don´t mind my spamming your inbox! Or me friending you... Or going to spam you more when reading your other fic. Because I will. Definately. You´d better watch out!

Date: 2008-01-26 08:27 pm (UTC)
ext_33880: (Default)
From: [identity profile] keire-ke.livejournal.com
Only if you don't mind me spamming you right back. ^______~ Seriously, I love comments. Comments make me happy! Spam away.

Regarding sequel: I have an idea in mind. I'm keeping it in the back of my mind, letting it grow into something. *grins*

Thanks for reading! Doubly so for taking the time to comment on every chapter - I appreciate it. <3

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